I woke up last Sunday and I was suddenly 30. Actually, not that sudden. There’d been indications it was going to happen for a while. Since I was born really. But I realised to cope with this momentous event, I need to see what popular culture has to offer me in my adjustment. I remembered there was that film, Suddenly 30 where Jennifer Garner is 13, but wishes she was 30. Then one day she wakes up and she’s 30. This is the perfect film to help me adjust to being 30. So I’ve decided to watch the film and blog it as I go and look for the ways my life might line up, see what wisdom I can glean. This post gonna be long, full of spoilers, and probably only interesting if you’ve seen the film. My apologies in advance.
So without further ado, here’s the Suddenly 30 live blog!
It’s the Columbia intro. That Columbia lady is super-pretty. She’s probably 30. Actually, she’s probably dead.
Revolution Studios and pianos.
Sparkly credits, this film could be about barbies.
Mark Ruffelo is in it, he’s such a babe.
It opens at the school photos in 1987. Our heroine, get’s a bad photo. Poor thing. At least she looks better than I did at 13.
Title card! It’s called “13 going on 30”, what? I thought this was “Suddenly 30”? This going to ruin the entire premise of this blog post. Because I am defs not 13 going on 30.
Oh wow, Andy Serkis is in this. Freakin’ Gollum is in Suddenly 30! Yes!
Jenna just got her photo taken in the school hall by Tom, the creepy fat guy with the camera. Oh, that’s still me. I should stop taking photos in school corridors. Last week they called the police.
Jenna, the heroine, is talking to the cool girls. She wants to be like them. So do I.
Oh, I just found out that the Tom guy is actually called Matty. And he lives next door to Jenna. I bet they’re gonna get together. I lived next door to Ben and Paul when I was 13. Not sure I’m gonna hook up with either of them. That would be much more disturbing for me.
It’s Jenna’s 13th birthday! She expresses a wish to her Mum that she was thirty, right after her mother has pulled tissues out of her bra. You should totally wish for that Jenna! 30 is hella better than 13, and my mum didn’t even pull tissues out of my bra when I was 13. She let me keep them in.
Matt just sprinkled Jenna with wishing dust for her birthday, and the cool girls turned up at her party. They’re called the Sixers. They’re pretty cool and intimidating. They handed her their jackets at the door. And so they should. She’s not cool, she deserves to hold jackets.
Jenna just got put in the closet by the cool girls to play “7 minutes in heaven”. Is that a youth group game about heaven? We should play it during “Eschatology Week”. Oh, it’s a kissing game. I bet they leave her there.
Oh they have. The fat kid has just tried to make out with her, but he’s not the hot guy she’ though he was, so Jenna shouts at him and locks herself in the cupboard. She’s wishing to be “thirty, flirty, and thriving.” Yes! That’s freakin’ me! I hope the moral to the story is it’s good to be thirty, flirty and thriving, because I am.
The magic dust did something magical because Jenna just woke up as Jennifer Garner. She’s crawling around her house, trying to figure out why she’s so old. A naked guy just walked out of the bathroom and she’s discovered her boobs. Sounds like most of my mornings this week. I hate being thirty.
It turns out she’s “Jenna Rink, big time magazine editor!”, I learnt that from a bit of exposition from her best friend, who we shall call, Blondy, who has taken her to work.
They’ve walked into the office and it turns out Gollum is her boss! He has more hair in this.
She works in a magazine called Poise. We’re in a staff meeting for Poise and the bad news is it’s being scooped every month by another magazine called Sparkle. They’re trying to work out how they keep getting scooped. I bet this film turns out to be one of those gritty journalism films like “All the President’s Men” or, um, that other one.
Jenna seems to not know how to do a meeting, probably because she’s actually 13. But she’s got her assistant to find fat Matt for her. And she’s now run off to his house. Oh wow! He’s not fat, he’s hot which is another three letter word, but it’s a better one to be. Unless you’re a chip then it’s good to be fat and hot.
We’re finding out that Jenna was mean to Matt in high school and they’re no longer best friends. But they’re totally gonna fall in love. Then out of love because of some complication. Then back in love. Then she’s gonna become 13 again and be nice to Matt. That’s the plot of this film. I’m just calling it now.
Jenna seems to have figured out that her wish to be 30 has come true. And she just flirted with less-porky-Matt in the hall. I hope she’s not leading him on like she did when they were kids.
OHMIGOODNESS! We’ve just moved into a getting-ready-for-a-party montage. Jenna is doing her own make up. I bet she comes out looking like she’s dressed for an 80’s fancy dress. Oops, nope, she comes out looking like she’s in the year 2004. Funny she’s missed 17 years of fashion but she can still figure out how to do her makeup in the right style.
At the party she just saw some girls with their g-strings showing out the top of their low-rise, hipster jeans. Remember that fashion. I feel like I spent a lot of the mid-2000s avoiding sing girls underwear coming out of their jeans. I’m so glad 2004 is over. I think these days girls have graduated to showing as much bra as possible. I’m not sure if that’s more or less respectable.
This party that she’s at, everyone is leaving and Boss Gollum is upset. Jenna is gonna put on some music and do an awesome dance I bet. Oh look she just stuck on Thriller by MJ. This was 2004 before MJ was dead and cool and before irony was fashionable. Suddenly formerly-fat Matt has turned up. He’s gonna help her do the dance. Flip! It’s going off! These two are totally falling in love!
Gollum just started doing Thriller! Amazing, this movie is the best!
Oh now it’s time for a I’m-being-30 montage! She’s going shopping, eating ice cream, and watching movies in bed and eating chips. Yep! She’s doing everything that I do. I’m not even joking this time. I’ve done all those things in the last 24 hours. My life is a 30-year-old’s montage! Sick one!
Jenna and Blondy have gone out for a drink and she’s run into no-chub-no-tubb-Matt in the street. Jenna has just met Matt’s fiance! There’s the complication. Not to mention that Jenna is dating a hockey player.
Jenna’s gone home with hockey player boyfriend. This is gonna be HA-lar-rious! She wants to play Battleship but he wants to do a striptease for her. She thinks it’s gross. It is.
Jenna has made friends with a 13-year-old. They totally get each other. And Jenna has chopsticks in her hair. Remember that fashion? So handy for emergency rice!
Jenna is in a meeting about her magazine. Everyone is pitching ideas for the magazine. They’re all about sex. I bet Jenna has an idea that’s amazing that she could only have because she’s actually 13 and it saves the magazine from the evil Sparkle! Oh yep! She just suggested a redesign.
Jenna’s getting messages from her assistant, and we’re finding out that Jenna is actually horrible. Oh, and she’s having an affair with Tracy’s husband. Oh and she just heard people bitching about her. She is a terrible person!
I’m so glad I didn’t wake up one day and find out I was a horrible person. That’s been a gradual process. It’s easier to handle when you realise it slowly.
She’s sad, so she’s gone to see went-on-a-diet-Matt. Now they’re going for a walk. They’re totally gonna fall in love! Which just makes her more terrible, because he’s got a fiance. But Matt’s kind and has just filled her in on her life as a terrible person. Thanks for the back-story bro.
She’s gone back to her parents place. It’s time for another montage. It’s the I’m-sad-I’m-old-I’m-a-horrible-person-and-I’m-in-my-parents’-house montage. You know that one. I think Rocky 5 had that montage. Such a cliche. Oh she just hopped in bed with her parents because she’s sad. Gotta try that sometime. I’m sure they’ll think it’s sweet.
Jenna and her mum are having a heart-to-heart. Heroes journey. Jenna’s met her Yoda! She’s just learnt not to regret her mistakes.
She’s back in the office looking at her old yearbooks. Every good photo is by formerly-fat-Matt. I think he’s gonna be integral to the redesign for the magazine.
She’s having a meeting with blubber-free-Matt in a park to hire him to do a photoshoot. They’re falling in love. Don’t do it Jenna! He’s got a lady.
Oh it’s ANOTHER montage! It’s the photoshoot-and-we’re-falling-in-love montage. Most affairs start at work! Bad. Bad. Bad. How is less-fat-Matt’s lady friend gonna feel now that Jenna is up to her old tricks.
Yep. They’re going for a walk by the harbour. It’s night. It’s dark. Now they’re looking at each other’s tongues after eating coloured lollies! They’re gonna kiss! And then he’s going to say, “I shouldn’t have done that I’m sorry!” And run away.
Now, they fell off some swings and they’re lying on top of each other in a park!
THEY JUST KISSED!
He hasn’t run away, but he’s feeling regretful I think.
Jenna’s having a sleepover with her 13-year-old friends. I wonder why their parent’s let them go and have sleep overs at the 30-year-old lady’s house. Bad parents. Everyone is bad in this film. I watched Django Unchained today about slave traders and bounty hunters. This is almost as bad.
Used-to-be-rotund-Matt’s fiance just turned out at his studio. He’s distracted and thinking of Jenna. Bad, Plumpy.
Jenna is back in the office and Gollum just did a speech about his balls. That should be in the next Hobbit.
Jenna is about to do her redesign presentation. This is her pitch, she’s questioning who the models in their magazines are. She’s saying the magazine should be about real people, as opposed to models. She’s saying, “I want to know about real people. Let’s put fun into the magazine. We need to remember what used to be good.” I have no idea what’s she’s talking about. She has literally hasn’t said anything whatsoever. The magazine’s redesign is about… um… nothing. But she got a huge round of applause from all the staff! It’s very moving and inspiring. This makes no sense at all.
Jenna has run out of the office in happiness. Gravy-free-Matt has come into the office, just missing Jenna. Jenna’s best friend, Blondy, has walked into Jenna’s actual office. Matt’s gonna walk in and Blondy is gonna sabotage the relationship. She’ll probably steal some ideas too.
Oh yep. That just happened. We also found out Jenna is the leak to Sparkle! Shock! Twist! This is like Sixth Sense and Seven rolled into one (Oh wow, that adds up to 13!) And Matt’s left the office sad because Jenna didn’t like his photos.
Jenna has turned up to Matt’s house, met his fiance, and found out he’s getting married tomorrow!
Oh, what’s this, actually it turns out Blondy has defected to Sparkle. Twist again! Jenna’s best friend has totally betrayed her! But Jenna was horrible as well. Jenna is realising that she’s the mole, and that’s she’s a cow. Will, my housemate, just told me this movie is pretty much like the Bourne films when Bourne learns about who he is. I think he’s right.
Jenna, has decided to race over to Matt’s house and win him back. Jenna, you so bad! Wrecking this poor, other girl’s wedding!
She’s arrived at Matt’s house. She’s walked into his room. “I’m not the awful person that I know that I was.” Yhat’s her opening line. But I think she is. She just said “If you knew that, you’d be marrying me right now” or something like that. Rubbish! You’re still mean. You’re ruining a wedding.
Now Matt is making a speech. He said “I realised these past few days, you can’t turn back time.” He’s telling her he can’t be with her! Go Matt. Stick to your guns.
Don’t worry, you’ll be ok, Jenna, you’ll wake up as a 13 year old again soon.
Matt has just given Jenna the present he made for her when she was 13 again, he’s kept it all these years. even though she smashed it at her party. It was a dollshouse of her perfect house, or something like that, made by Fat Matt.
Jenna has just accepted that she can’t have Matt, and she’s leaving with the present. Lucky there’s gonna be some wishing dust in there.
Oh, the wind is blowing and, just like I said, there happens to be wishing dust on the dollshouse! She’s wishing! She’s 13 again! I knew it!
She’s back in the closet at her party and just looked down and discovered she doesn’t have boobs, and she’s happy! Oh and she just kissed Tubby Matt! Oh-oh. 13-year-old’s relationships don’t last.
But the movie just proved me wrong. They’re married now, because she’s 30 again. They’ve been dating for 17 years! Freakin’ heck Matt, should’ve gotten your act together. You can’t date a girl for 17 years before you marry her! That’s so mean!
But they seem happy. And the movie is over. And I’m thirty.
Well there you have it. The whole movie. I think I learnt nothing about being thirty but I did manage to predict pretty much the whole thing. Thanks Hollywood!